Let's Talk "Riverdale"

Okay, I've got some 'splainin' to do, but I'm okay with that. So it's no shock to you what this article is about but the real question is "Why?". Yes, why is the operative word all around for something like this. So "Riverdale" is a CW series based on (of all things) Archie Comics, and is a teen drama series ala "Pretty Little Liars". When this series was announced, I laughed, I mean of all the things to get a gritty reboot in 2017 Archie found it's way on that list?! Don't get me wrong, Archie isn't new to gritty, after all there is Archie meets The Punisher, and Archie with zombies, Archie and The Predator...you get the gist, but all of those are very tongue in cheek and more of a "Hey, wouldn't it be weird/funny if this was an actually thing?" kinda thing than being a legit thing...like Marvel's "What If..." or DC's Elseworld. But who am I kidding, it's 2017 and EVERYTHING needs to be adapted, rebooted and made for a mature audience and Archie is NO exception!

Now, I'm no fan of Archie comics but I am familiar enough with them, I know of Archie being the world's biggest player (essentially having 2 women wrapped around his finger for nearly 78 damn years), I know of Betty & Veronica, "Jughead" and that's about it. I came to the conclusion to watch this series due to Hot Topic of all places boasting "Riverdale" merchandise and a huge "Riverdale" poster displayed on their window. For starters my initial surprise was that the series was somehow (pact with Satan not entirely out of the question) still on the air and currently into it's Second Season (how?!) and my second reaction was "Am I missing something here?". It's a gritty Archie reboot, it can't be any good (it's not but we'll get there). Oddly enough my wife and I both decided that we were gonna roll the dice and check this series out for ourselves and I am SO glad we did. Once "Pretty Little Liars" concluded, I was worried I wasn't gonna have another series I could watch for craps and giggles. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed "Pretty Little Liars" because it was SO BAD it was GREAT. It was entertaining enough to keep me engaged and dumb enough for me to dismiss, in short, PERFECT!

It looks like "Riverdale" will be filling that spot for me now because this series is a GOLD MINE of riff material, be it Luke Perry looking like Dollar Store Heisenberg to other character just acting and being completely stupid, this series makes my wife and I cackle like hyenas. Anyways, allow me to take you guys on a guided tour of "Riverdale" and embrace the madness...crap, that was "Hannibal's" tag line..."Hannibal" I'm so sorry to include you in this review, please forgive me.

At the moment I'm writing this "Riverdale" is currently in it's 2nd Season and man oh man is there a lot to get to and a lot of hilariousness. For starters if you're thinking this is going to be ANYTHING like the comics you're horribly mistaken. What we find in "Riverdale" is a gritty, angsty teen drama that plays more like a crime drama, so basically "Pretty Little Liars" with a few twists here and there to not completely copy the other's homework. Archie essentially stars as "Riverdale's" everyman character more or less, however now given the state of things in this current season (what with him all but joining "the mob" and wanting to "make his bones" a.k.a kill The Black Hood to get in good with Riverdale mobster Hiram Lodge) it's needless to say that Archie's everyman status has been pulled pretty quickly. He started the season as a wide-eyed wanna be musician and now he's in with the mob...quite the 0 to 1000 to story.

Next we have Forsythe Pendleton Jones The 3rd better known as Jughead. While Jughead has played The Only Sane Man role for awhile, his status as such has once again faltered as he now comes off as paranoid and whiny. He serves as the series omnipotent narrator (how exactly he acquires this ability is unknown as it isn't clear if he's telling this story in hindsight or as it's happening) as we see him working on a true crime novel which began as an investigation into the murder of Cheryl Blossom's brother Jason and later spiraled into what we have now...an investigation into Hiram Lodge and The Black Hood Murders (more on that later). Jughead and his girlfriend Betty come off as wanna be sleuths more than amateurs, Spencer Hastings would run circles around these two in terms of investigative ability and The Liars jumped to conclusions like it was an Olympic sport.

Jumping To Conclusions Since 2010

Jughead unfortunately is too passionate about things that don't entirely appear to be in the right, for example he opposes Hiram Lodge's desire to turn Southside High into a prison, however within the very halls of Southside High students were actually doing drugs, one of these teachers was selling drugs, there was graffiti all over the walls and there was a chain linked fence that separated The Ghoulies from The Serpents in the cafeteria, this was not a place worth chaining one's self to and going on a hunger strike to protect. Worst of all it appears The Southside Serpents are flourishing in Riverdale High, Toni (who was a member of the Southside newspaper, ran by the teacher who sold drugs) is now actively involved in cheerleading, one of the other Serpents is apparently dating Kevin and actively involved in theater and the others haven't started a rawkus about anything, they seem to be doing very well so Jughead's fight to want to keep Southside High open was dissmissed by the writers themselves.

Moving on, Hiram Lodge despite being the villain of the series or at least an antagonist hasn't shown himself to be nefarious, yes, he's a mobster and I'm sure he's had people killed (Papa Poutine and the thief who tried to rob Veronica) but all of those instances were cases where his life or the life of his family was threatened by someone equally as criminal as him, as in he hasn't harmed any innocent people. Likewise Hiram hasn't shown any willingness to harm innocent people, sure he's blackmailed Mayor McCoy (who was having an affair, so...) but in terms of doing anything that would openly classify him as out and out evil (as he was characterized in the 1st Season) has yet to make it's self present. Between my wife and I the worst thing that Hiram has done is inspire Archie to make;

...this hilarious video.

While we're on the topic, Archie seems to have a crude obsessions with circles, first creating The Red Circle (inspired by a comic book) to protect Riverdale from The Black Hood and now The Dark Circle to protect Hiram Lodge from other mobsters moving in on his territory. Anyway, the current mystery of the series is the identity of The Black Hood. Now here's where things get tricky. At the end of the 1st Season "The Black Hood" (as he's now called) was just a random thief robbing Pop's Diner at gun point, now at the start of the 2nd Season "The Black Hood" is now suddenly a mission killer who wants to cleans "Riverdale of sin". I hate to be that guy (no I don't) but this was obviously retconned to make The Black Hood the main antagonist of Season 2 and build a big mystery behind him.

No reason for posting this, I just thought this scene was hilarious. "WHO MADE A MISTAKE?!" GOLD!

There's so much I could discuss about this series, but let's move on to Veronica. Anyone who has even a passing knowledge of the comics knows the core struggle of the series is the battle of wills between Betty and Veronica for the heart of Archie Andrews, however the series has subverted that by lodging (see what I did there?) Archie firmly in the camp of Veronica as her boyfriend. In this series Veronica is the atoning mean girl and it really shows, despite having the ability to be stuck and snobbish (like Cheryl) she's genuinely a nice person who cares about her friends and for that I'll say Veronica is probably one of the more interesting characters and the writers did a good job not making her a walking trope. That being said this is The CW and this is a teen drama and because of that we have to have instances where things don't make sense...

Like Veronica's breaking & entering outfit, not even Catwoman has this much cleavage exposed...seriously, I'm a dude and I find this offensive. 

And like Veronica damn near breaking up with Archie because he said "I love you.", bare in mind that this is after they had sex. Full context, she can gargle the man's nutsack but saying "I love you." is just too much, right. All that being said, Veronica's a fun watch and her connections completes the team as the dark action girl.

Betty is a bit of a mixed bag. In the 1st Season her ticks (pressing her fingernails into her palms, and wearing completely horrible black wigs...my goodness the horror) indicated an oncoming or already passed psychotic break. This lead me to the initial speculation that Betty and Polly were actually one in the same (especially with the incident involving Chuck Clayton and a hot tub...less said the better) but that speculation was quickly dispelled. At the moment Betty is The Virgin (not really considering she got some of Jughead's snake {see what I did there?} not too long ago) but I mean in terms of horror movie standards, she's an innocent (not really since she's complicate in a murder...just let me have this). Her innocence makes her The Black Hood's BFF as she's the one he calls and admonishes her for her stupid decisions.

She needs to stop wearing her hair in a ponytail more often.

While academically inclined, virtuous and more geared towards (for this series what passes as) rational thinking Betty is easily the most dangerous member of the team and I'm not saying that jokingly. Betty has shown herself to be more than capable to get down and dirty when the situation demands it, such as stripping in front of everyone (her mother included) in an admittingly sexy but PAINFULLY awkward scene to be admitted into The Southside Serpents, and she stood up to two thugs (granted with the aide of The Southside Serpents) and was even willing to spread her buttcheeks online for various strangers (a plot thread that hasn't been discussed). Betty seems to be able to switch gears almost instantly going from the girl next door to a completely cold ice queen as shown in an episode where she willingly gave Chic up to The Black Hood (knowing he was going to die). Because of this Betty is easily the most compelling as you're wondering just how far her descent into darkness will take her...and whether or not she'll stop wearing that black wig.

Take it off! Take it all off!!

There's so much more I can get into that I'm not gonna, namely Josie and The Pussycats...Not a fan to sum it up in a sentence. I won't be reviewing this series and I won't be posting my speculations for various plot threads on this blog, I won't try and guess who The Black Hood is and I certainly won't try and figure out just how tight can Betty get her ponytail, these are all mysteries that remain to be solved, I just wanted to post this because "Riverdale" just like "Pretty Little Liars" is ridiculous but entertaining enough to go along for the ride and make fun of the various goings on. I'm seriously hoping this show sticks around for as long as possible as Wednesday nights are usually dead for activity and having something to do and my wife and I love this series. If you're not interested in it, no worries, I'm obviously not the demographic for it but I can't get enough of this series. So if you're looking for some riff-worthy material that's entertaining and hilarious Netflix currently has the 1st Season available, give it a watch. I'll catch you guys later!