The plot of "Riverdale" Season One was VERY simple: Who killed Jason Blossom? And by the end of the season, that question was not only answered but answered logically and without any lingering doubts. Despite being hilariously written angsty teenage schlock, Season One wasn't bad. Then came a little thing called The Black Hood...and Season Two. Season Two was a bit of a mess but manageable. Season Two decided to make Betty the center of everything by involving her in not 1 but 2 plots, the aforementioned Black Hood storyline (which began with Archie so he really should've been the one to finish that) and The "Chick" storyline that might as well have been called The "We really didn't have a point for this except that Chick was a character from the comic book so we added him anyway". Not to mention there was the gang war started by Hiram Lodge between The Ghoulies and The Serpents and his eventual takeover of the Southside...oh yeah and something about Penelope Blossom and her husbands' twin brother whose name I can't be bothered to look up threatening to kill Cheryl's grandmother. Yeah...a whole lotta stuff happened. Despite that, once again the MAIN plot thread (The Black Hood) was tied up in an uneven, stupidly tied bow but a bow nonetheless.
Then Season Three happened...and after having watched 7 episodes of this I can honestly say I have no clue just what the f*ck is going on. Don't get me wrong, I'm aware of what's happening but how it all meshes together is completely beyond me. Let's start with what (very little) I do know: there's a game called Griffins & Gargoyles the setting of the game is the kingdom of Eldirvar (an obvious anagram for Riverdale). G&G, as it's called in the series, is an analog for Riverdale, the town its self and the various factions within it, namely The Serpents, The Ghoulies etc. This game was discovered by the parents of the main characters during one happenstance detention sentence and they all played it heavily...eventually LARPing with it. One night during an Ascension Party someone brought a chalice of poison with the intentions of someone drinking it, Alice spotted The Gargoyle King in the hallway during a drug mania induced by fizzle rocks...(that's a sentence I actually typed). Long story short, Alice finds the chalices but doesn't drink and sometime later the Principal is found dead in the broom closet having drunk from the chalice himself...and somehow the parents are culpable.
Before I go on allow me to explain how they could have gotten out of this and are NOT culpable AT ALL. For starters YES, they are culpable for breaking into the school and that is indeed illegal, but once the authorities see that they didn't vandalize the property or anything I'd imagine the most they'd get is community service. On that note, the reason they're not at fault is because THE PRINCIPAL DRUNK FROM THE CHALICE HIMSELF!! Who looks at two suspicious cups of God knows what and says "Down the hatch!"? No one forced him to drink it. Furthermore, no one can even attest to those cups being placed anywhere with the intention of anyone drinking it. Basically, what I'm saying is if I left a bottle of sulphuric acid and dyed it blue and left it in the bathroom and someone drank it, I'm not a murderer, I'm not even a man-slaughterer, I'm incredibly careless but at least I'm not careless enough to drink something I have no clue what the contents are.
That aside now G&G is making a full comeback having claimed the lives of Dilton Doiley and...er...friend. The Parents are all up in arms that the "evil" game has returned and The Gargoyle King is back as well having claimed Ethel as his disciple. Not only that but now G&G seems to have spread even further with Archie's prison warden calling Archie "The Red Paladin" and claiming allegiance to a force more powerful than Hiram Lodge. Now Betty is trapped in an asylum where everyone is drawing pictures of The Gargoyle King and getting good and doped up on fizzle rocks. Not only that but Ethel is apparently BFFs with this special effects class project and this alliance gives her the ability to basically call the shots within The Sisters Of Quiet Mercy. Last but not least there's The Farm, a cult that Alice & Polly joined that's NOT run by Joe Carroll (or Billy Grimm for that matter...a pox on you CW...seriously, a pox on you) but is instead controlled by some non-entity we have yet to meet named Edgar Neverever...or Evernever...or nevermind.
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| Not even Billy Grimm knows what's going on in this damn show. |
The Farm has been mentioned numerous times over the span of a few seasons and I was under the impression that it'd take center stage as the main plot of this season (given how it featured the twins being placed over a fire pit and not The Gargoyle King). However, considering we have yet to meet Edgar Evergonnashowup I have a sneaking suspicion that he's The Gargoyle King, how or why that'd make sense is anyone's guess (including the writers) but that's my theory so far. Theories are basically all we have considering this season views like it's been written by several people NOT communicating. I have the feeling production meetings for this show are not unlike pornos where stuff starts to happen and before things get outta hand someone protests only to be silenced by quiet whispers of "Shhh, let it happen.", except unlike porn, this ends with a headache and questions. All that said, let's dive in;
Okay...so it's been revealed that The Gargoyle King, the being that's been terrorizing Riverdale's youth and G&G are actually the brainchildren of mentally deranged children confined to The Sisters Of Quiet Mercy. G&G was invented by the patients and The Gargoyle King was invented by The Sisters to keep the children in line...WHAT?! And it turns out Hiram Lodge is working in tandem with The Gargoyle King?! Okay...WHAT?! So at first, we're lead to believe that The Gargoyle King isn't real, that he's a hallucinogenic manifestation made by the power of suggestion...which would have worked if everyone who saw The Gargoyle King was high on fizzle rocks and had the concept of The Gargoyle King suggested to them. But as it turns out The Gargoyle King is indeed a real entity working with Hiram Lodge who isn't The Gargoyle King but knows very well who it is.
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| At this point, I think I'm The Gargoyle King! |
But The Gargoyle King and G&G were created by mentally disturbed children, The Gargoyle King wouldn't appeal to or terrorize anyone who wasn't already susceptible to the influence of G&G. Consider this, Ethel saw The Gargoyle King and considered him to be her lord and savior, prayed to him and spread his gospel, she was all in...then she finds out The Gargoyle King is a statue...but he's not and she knows he's not because she saw him without being under the influence of fizzle rocks. So all this talk from Ethel about how The Gargoyle King wanted her and Jughead to be an item we're supposed to believe she made all of that up while high off her ass and conversing with a damn statue about her relationship status? Fizzle Rocks is a hell of a drug.
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| "Like totally, Ethel, I think Jughead is just like so delish. You guys would be so fab together! He's so hot for you, you better get it girl. Ya know! LOL #Ethelhead #Jugel" #advicefromastatue |
Moreover, than that, we have the sudden outburst of seizures...what's causing these we have no clue and why they're happening we don't know but we do know Hiram Lodge is behind it all as he had Riverdale quarantined by The Governer...why? If I had to guess I'd say to control who gets in and out of Riverdale and basically have a "kingdom" controlled exclusively by him. The plan its self isn't bad but the addition of G&G makes it completely bonkers. G&G and likewise The Blue Liquid from the poisoned chalice isn't the cause of the seizures (only 2 people who are playing G&G had seizures, Topaz & Ethel. Veronica, Betty and Josie were not) and Fizzle Rocks isn't causing the seizures because not everyone is taking Fizzle Rocks. So how G&G fits into all of this beyond me and to be perfectly honest it doesn't.
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| Nope, not apologizing. |
Speaking of not fitting in, can we discuss the COMPLETE AND TOTAL 180 of Alice Cooper? Alice Cooper was once the most ardent enemy of Hiram Lodge, being a journalist herself, it'd make complete and total sense that she'd look into whether or not The CDC was called in to investigate the seizures going on around Riverdale by either bribing some doctors (she's not above doing that) or just asking doctors what could potentially cause contagious seizures in people who have no known history of having them. But instead of being Alice Cooper we find her sitting docile as a little lamb during the PTA meeting while Veronica accuses Hiram of every crime under the sun. Alice doesn't raise an eyebrow, she doesn't flinch and she doesn't jump on the bandwagon and say something very Alice Coopery like "I knew you were behind all this!". The Farm must have really messed her up, because The Alice Cooper we've known for 2 Seasons would have at the very least had Veronica and Cheryl at her house to discuss the accusations against Hiram.
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| C'mon...do something crazy...please...please?! |
Archie is on his way to Canada to escape from Hiram Lodge...why Hiram cares about Archie is beyond me because Archie's plot thread was so far removed from everything going on in town that you can remove every single scene he's in and it wouldn't change a thing. So Archie being gone is no big loss for the Season. What's taking center stage now is Betty taking on the role of the Griffin Queen, a force of light and good to counteract The Gargoyle King...however that only applies to the fictional game! How the hell is Betty going to combat the actual Gargoyle King when at this point she knows as much as we do about who or what The Gargoyle King actually is. Again I believe The Gargoyle King is actually Edgar Nevermind, a character who I thought we'd meet at the mid-season finale but apparently not. Despite the writers not exploring The Farm, I have a feeling he is paramount to this season. But who knows, more than likely I'm wrong because this show is beyond the pale when it comes to nonsense...and bare in mind this is only the 3rd Season..."Pretty Little Liars" didn't start getting insane until...wait no they got insane during the 3rd Season as well...hrm...
That being said, the only thing consistent and awesome about this show is Hiram Lodge, the man is so delightfully evil and gleeful about every scheme he cooks up that you just can't help but root for him. That and despite being an evil mob boss he genuinely does care for his daughter and you can't hate that. Anyways, I think I'll just be treating this show like "The Blacklist", wait until it hits Netflix and binge watch it, maybe back to back viewings of episodes will make it semi-coherent. Anyways, I'll catch you all later, until then Hail The Gargoyle King!
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