"Mortal Kombat" Review

Very few things I can speak authoritatively on, among them is "Mortal Kombat". I'm a 90s kid and as such, I was born into "Mortal Kombat", molded by it (to quote Bane). I've always been a huge fan of "Mortal Kombat", I've consumed a lot of the media, from the cartoon, to "Mortal Kombat: Conquest", all of the games (with the exception of The Subzero Mythologies and Special Forces) so needless to say I know my Mortal Kombat lore, from retcons to original lore, I know my lore. Back when the "Mortal Kombat" movie came out, I remember renting it quite a bit back in the day, and then shortly after my uncle took my brother and me to see "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" (also where I first heard the word "merger") and I remember enjoying both. As an adult, while the 1st "Mortal Kombat" movie is still a decent watch, "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" has not withstood the test of time, proving itself to be laughably bad and considered one of the worst movies ever made. To be completely honest, I still enjoy "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation" as a movie so bad it's good.

After "Annihilation", "Mortal Kombat" was all but dead in any other format aside from video games. Then "Mortal Kombat: Rebirth" came out, a short film that took a far more realistic approach to the Mortal Kombat mythos, I didn't care for this, because some Rasta lookin' former plastic surgeon named Allen Zane decides to insert blades into his forearms is suddenly codenamed "Baraka"...yeah, no, thanks. "Rebirth" was dumb and while casting Michael Jai White as Jax and Ian Anthony Dale as Scorpion was inspired the concept was not. Then "Mortal Kombat: Legacy" came out a several-part mini-series that for the most part did justice to some of the "Mortal Kombat" lore (except Raiden being in a mental institution, Liu Kang fighting FOR Shang Tsung, and that bitch ass looking Shoa Kahn, the f*ck was that all about...) again this series was a NO, for me, despite giving us an incredibly hot Mileena. So after 2 aborted attempts at reviving "Mortal Kombat", we finally come some years later, and NOW a NEW "Mortal Kombat" movie is out and about.

I'm gonna be honest, I was never excited for this movie...not really. I looked at the cast and saw who they had for Mileena and simply from that alone, I knew the movie wasn't going to be good. As more details came out, I got less and less excited about the film. After having watched it, I can honestly say...I like "Annihilation" better than this movie. I know a lot of people will jump on me about that, but I'm being completely honest, I had a better time watching "Annihilation" because I completely forgot that this "Mortal Kombat" movie was a "Mortal Kombat" movie. This movie reeks of studio mandates, weird choices in story-telling, and just an overall disregard of what makes "Mortal Kombat" work as a series and story. If you wanna watch a GOOD "Mortal Kombat" movie, I suggest you watch "Mortal Kombat 9's" story mode, for my money that is basically the best "Mortal Kombat" movie you'll ever get. With that outta the way, let's dive into the break where you can get spoilers and I can really give this film the Fatality it deserves.

The Best Of The Worst: Zapped

 

Every now and then in the history of the world, something comes along that's just so unspeakably horrible and repugnant that mere words cannot express the sheer volume of it's horror. I can list off several things Justin Bieber, Michael Bay's constant desire to remake 90s cartoons into live-action blockbuster movies, The "Twilight" Saga, "Persons Unknown", The Final Season of "Dexter", I could go on, but while those things are arguably opinion based and are open to debate, this, however, IS NOT! This caused me to resurrect "The Best Of The Worst" in article form early because this TRULY IS THE VERY BEST OF THE WORST!

Before I go on, let me address the elephant in the room, "Ugo, why are you reviewing a children's movie?". That's a very good and valid question and the answer to that is simple: like my esteemed Rogues Gallery colleague Larry Williams, I too believe that simply because something is designated for children doesn't mean it has to lack cleverness, intelligence and depth (which is why I'm a fan of "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic", but that's another topic) and because of my own damned morbid curiosity (which is what caused me to sit through the entire 2nd season of "American Horror Story"...still attempting to recover my lost brain cells, any and all donations are welcomed, by the way). Hopefully, that addressed those questions. That being said, let's dive into quite possibly the WORST movie you'll ever read about. Strap yourselves in for "Zapped".