Tuesday, December 13, 2016

The Strange Review: Suicide Squad


Okay, okay, okay, as mentioned hither too, I am currently watching "Suicide Squad". Why? Because a friend of mine informed me that it wasn't as bad as I believed it was. Now, granted, I've been saying the very prospect of a Suicide Squad movie was unearned, ridiculous and reeked of absolute desperation, but to be completely fair, I did give "Twilight" a shot and how awful would I be if I didn't at the VERY LEAST give an unearned, stupid looking DC property the same chance I'd give "Twilight", pretty freakin' awful.  So I conceded and decided to watch "Suicide Squad". To start off my current reservations with the movie are simple. For starters the Suicide Squad in and of it's self as a concept that ONLY works in comic books and BARELY (if, that).

It's just a team of anti-heroes (more or less) who got some shine and notoriety for being slightly interesting enough to put in a group to help save the world in order to get their sentenced reduced. Hence the rotating door of members we've seen in recent years. Second, I hate Floyd Lawton. I hate Floyd Lawton with a passion. Ever since I've seen him in "Villains United" I've always hated that douche. He's just over all unlikable and I saw nothing redeeming about him (and please bare in mind that this is a group that featured a random Parademon as a member and yet Floyd was the most loathsome one of the bunch...dwell on that for a spell) by the time the book ended I was hoping he'd be revealed as a traitor so Catman or Deathstroke could put two (bullets) in his noggin and make him go the way of Uncle Ben (mixing companies, I know).

Third and my biggest issue with the movie is that this will unfortunately be the 1st live action Harley Quinn and it's not even Harley Quinn. This is not a slight on Margot Robbie, I've never seen her work, I know nothing about her, she's pretty but ultimately that's all I know, Harley Quinn is a character I do know, EXTREMELY well. Well enough to know that whoever the f*ck this is:

is not Harley Quinn. Sadly, this is the Harley Quinn from The (misbegotten) New 52...a DC Reboot which turned the vast majority of all their characters into diet Batman versions of their original selves. Everyone got darker and grittier updates and costumes, Starfire become a whore, Beastboy turned red, Huntress & The Flash somehow become Black, Superman boned Wonder Woman, good times...(I'm being PAINFULLY sarcastic) and then along came this new Harley Quinn (whom I've dubbed Whorely Quinn) and this took the piss right out of me.

Harley was a fun character, she was cute, genuinely funny and while yeah, she's completely and utterly psychotic and a criminal, she's also extremely nice and easy going. Not given to rage and even willing to look on the bright side of things. This is a chick who took baby presents to Black Canary when she found out she was pregnant, who shared an apartment with Holly Robinson at the end of (that godawful series that was) Countdown during the time where she tried to turn her life around, who dropped a dime on The New Scarface's crime ONLY because the original Scarface (Arnold Wesker) was actually kind to her in Arkham. Whorely Quinn is a slut who pleases truckers for 2 dollars while they eat their cheese burger. Harley Quinn was never a hardcore murderer. Even Batman realizes that Harley isn't a serious threat and can more or less reason with her (which he has, often!)

Long winded story aside, I find Whorely Quinn to be completely distasteful and an EXTREMELY poor representation of the character and unfortunately THIS will be the character that people will remember as mainstream and that sickens me. With all of that preamble out of the way, I decided to make this a real time review in order to avoid ranting posts on Facebook. So if you do watch the "Suicide Squad", you'll be able to following along and see how I feel about this movie every step of the way. And with all that being said, let's dive in

THE FOLLOWING REVIEW TAKES PLACES BETWEEN 4:00PM & 5:00PM, POSTS OCCUR IN REAL TIME
2:39  I already hate this movie. I hate how they acknowledge that Whorely Quinn's attractive. They're guards, they not supposed to be distracted by stuff like that. They're supposed to not care. Also I hate how Whorely Quinn is playing up her attractiveness. I shouldn't admit this but I've seen a porn parody of Whorely Quinn and it was pretty much exactly the same "Play with me, please!"...and all that crap. Shoot me.

8:35 Batman wouldn't attack Deadshot with his daughter, he'd wait til he's alone. Second, they're going out of their way to humanize Deadshot...f*ck this movie, f*ck Deadshot.

10:48 ...no words. *sigh*

11:02 Common shows up, I'm done!


11:10 THE F*CK IS WHORELY QUINN DOING?!! SERIOUSLY, THE F*CK IS SHE DOING?

12:20 She doesn't even sound remotely like anything close to Harley Quinn...*sigh*

12:47 Common's dead, I'm back!!

13:15 SHE IS NOT CRAZIER THAN THE JOKER!! NO ONE IS!! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, AMANDA?!!

14:32 What the hell is up with these profile stats? Are they trying to be funny? Fetishes: Pink Unicorns, who wrote this?

26:11 "Clear my browser history." That'd be funny if the situation totally didn't call for it.

42:25 HARLEY DOESN'T HEAR VOICES!!!

43:43 SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU WHORE!!!

43:46 Thank you, Rick.

44:20..."Without Me"...seriously...although, I have to laugh at the fact that they said "trailer park girls" and Whorely's on screen, coincidence, I THINK NOT!

45:19...f*ck this f*ckin' movie...f*ck this movie, f*ck this movie, f*ck this movie, f*ck this movie, f*ck this movie...and again, f*ck this movie and f*ck this whore.

45:58 You're choosing NOW to sound Jewish?! F*ck you, you stupid whore!

Just a side note: You can tell Slipknot's gonna die. Why? He hasn't said anything and didn't get a character introduction. Yes, I read the spoilers and yes, I'd be able to tell even if I didn't. The man has expendable written all over him.

48:01 SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU WHORE!!!

48:14 SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU WHORE!!!!

It is 4:57pm, I'm tired and bored. I'm gonna go play some "Saints Row 4" and finish this...burden of a movie at a later date... It's tomorrow and I'm back to trudge through more "Suicide Squad". But before I continue, I made an interesting point to my wife last night that I wasn't to bring up here. So Amanda Waller's entire point of bringing The Suicide Squad together is to solve the meta-human problem "What if the next Superman is a terrorist?", which is a fair point. However, as it stands, the only meta-humans they have on the team are El Diablo & Killer Croc. Katanna has a special soul that traps souls (how Rick would know that is unknown, but whatever) but such a sword can be useful. But Killer Croc is super strong and El Diablo can spontaneously generate fire. Deadshot despite never missing a target his primary weaponry are firearms and Captain Boomerang uses a boomerang, not entirely the greatest weapons to use against someone like "a Superman" (using Amanda Waller's words). Which leads me to ask, Why is Captain Boomerang, Deadshot and Whorely there?

The actual answer is, Whorely is there only for eye candy and that's it. Honestly, that's all she's there for. What's she gonna do against a guy like "a Superman"? She has NO special skills! She has no powers or abilities! Furthermore, she's The Joker's woman and by Amanda's own admission "she's crazier than he is" (absolute lie and utter nonsense, but whatever) so why would Amanda want someone like Whorely on this team in the first place?! She's not a master of strategy, she's not a skilled infiltrator (Captain Boomerang) , she doesn't even have combat training (Deadshot) ! All she is is an electrocuted slut whore with a mallet. That's it! The only reason she's there is for fanboys to get a hard on and I won't be party to it! If I can find a VALID reason why she's apart of this team and what she offers that no one else can I'll gladly eat my words but as it stands, nope she's just a whore who needs to shut up.

THE FOLLOWING TAKES PLACES BETWEEN 3:00PM & 4:00PM POST OCCUR IN REAL TIME


48:52 SHUT UP YOU WHORE!!!

50:02 If only the movie could end here...if only...

51:38 Down goes Slipknot...dude only said one line...Haha...also...I thought Amanda was in control of the trigger...otherwise that "always watching" speech was bull...just sayin'

51:44 You're saying "Damnit" because you lost Slipknot? Seriously? Seriously?

51:46 SHUT UP YOU STUPID WHORE!!!

52:11 You have excellent taste.

52:26 STOP TALKING TO THE STUPID WHORE!! ALSO STOP BEING JEWISH WHEN YOU WEREN'T PREVIOUSLY PICK A F*CKIN' ACCENT AND STICK WITH IT, WHORE!!

52:39 Personal issue, but I don't like villains acknowledging they're villains. Villains are more grey characters than anything. They believe they're either doing something for the greater good or their motives are for their own benefit (ie, I need money, I want things to be better for my family) take The Punisher for example, he and Deadshot at the end of the day kill people but their motives are entirely different: Deadshot only kills for money because he wants a better life for his daughter, The Punisher kills people because he wants things to be better for innocent people. Neither of them believe they are essentially "The Villain" to themselves, "The Villain" is the person who gets in the way of their motive. Now Deadshot despite the fact that I hate his guts and wish him dead at every turn has a code of ethics...Whorely however is just a lunatic who causes chaos...why would he trust her?

56:13 YOU SHUT UP YOU INSUFFERABLE WHORE!!!

57:07 They want us to be impressed by this...I'm not...I'm bored.

57:37 SHE HAS A F*CKIN' BASEBALL BAT!! USELESS!!

57:43 SHUT UP WHORE!!!

59:48 SHUT THE F*CK UP YOU STUPID F*CKIN' WHORE!!!

1:01:31 Her head should have been blown off, right there...

1:02:15 Still has no point on this team...

1:05:17 I'd get AIDS tested after that...just sayin'.

1:05:53 SHUT UP YOU STUPID WHORE!!

1:06:01 OH GOOD GRAVY NOT A FLASHBACK!! PLEASE NOT A FLASHBACK!! NO! PLEASE, NO!!! NO!!

1:06:36 "Desire becomes surrender, surrender becomes power."...that's quite possibly the most intelligent thing that will be said this entire movie and look who's saying it.

1:07:53 Is that acid? Bleach? The hell is that and why isn't she screaming in pain? She's not used to that stuff like he is...Seriously, what is that?

1:08:10 SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!

1:09:30 No took a headshot and still fought...I'd say Enchantress' army is pretty sucky if a stupid whore with a baseball bat can fight them...just sayin'.

1:10:24 Never thought I'd say this but...I actually agree with Deadshot and between him and Amanda Waller...I'd wanna see her catch a domey than Deadshot...just sayin'

1:11:10 SHUT UP YOU STUPID WHORE!! (It's getting tiring typing that every time she opens her mouth but no less rewarding...)

1:12:20 This mofo...*sigh*


1:13:23 IF ONLY SHE WOULD STAY GONE!! F*CK ME THIS IS UNBEARABLE!!!

1:13:45 If only he was actually going to kill the stupid whore, the actual Deadshot would have, no questions, no bullsh*t. ESPECIALLY for his daughter and ESPECIALLY if a contract was involved! The only time Deadshot wouldn't have if there was no money or no contract. One time Batman froze the assets of a client and Deadshot refused to do the job because the client couldn't pay. This Deadshot is a pansy.

1:14:27 Why the f*ck is Flagg smiling like something good happened? A psychotic clown probably killed most of your guys and high-jacked your only way outta this hellhole. Has everyone in this movie been huffing paint for 12 years? Honestly?

1:14:47 Can't even say "Puddin'" right...this whore needs to go...

1:15:32 If only she would've died then...*sigh*

1:16:05 Does Captain Boomerang actually care? NO! NO HE DOESN'T!!! Why is he offering words of consolation to Deadshot?!

1:18:07 They want us to feel sorry for the whore, we don't, because she's stupid.

1:18:32 SHUT UP YOU STUPID WHORE!!!

1:19:12  Why would they be happy to see her? The mission could have been over if it wasn't for stupid ass and The Joker high-jacking their own way outta this hellhole. Why aren't they pissed that A) She double crossed them. B) Didn't have The Joker deactivate all their collars and C) Was gonna leave them there in the first place?! She should have got a gunshot to the head by Flagg or at least by Deadshot BUT because she's here for fanboys to get a nice hard on everyone has to pretend like they're happy to see her and act like she didn't openly double cross everyone...what a bitch.

Well it's 5:22pm and I have to go but I'll be back to slog my way through more of this...Well it's Day...I don't know anymore, and I haven't yet watched anymore of the "Suicide Squad" but I have thought about something. For Harley to be (according Amanda Waller) "Crazier than The Joker." we have YET to see her act in such a manner. Furthermore if she is "crazier than The Joker" why the HELL would want someone CRAZIER than the CRAZIEST mofo alive on your team?!

It's December 11th and here we go again, gonna jump back into "Suicide Squad". Here we go;

1:19:19 Nope, can't do it. Gonna watch "VR Troopers" like I originally planned. No, I haven't started watching "The Suicide Squad" yet again, although I might finish it tonight, it is currently December 12th, but I just wanted to talked about the score as it stands now, already this movie sucks, "Wonder Woman" CAN'T be just decent for DC succeed, "Wonder Woman" HAS to be AMAZING...as it stands now I might just ignore every DC movie and just watch the "Justice League" movies...we'll see. Here we go, back at it...

1:31:47 Amanda Waller is easily the dumbest person in existence...why would you trust an Ancient Witch with military class missions? Sure, she had her heart but...I mean...if the bitch can travel from here to Russian in an instant how exactly do you think she isn't crafty enough to get her heart back? FAIL!

1:32:53 HOLY CRAP, KATANNA CAN ACTUALLY SPEAK ENGLISH?! Did they establish that? That's like her only line in this movie. Also, SHUT UP, HARLEY!!

1:33:16 Umm...Katana you are a thief, your sword steals the souls of it's victims...

1:33:30 YES, You ALMOST pulled it off until the boyfriend of the dumb bitch serving you guys alcohol stole your one way ticket outta here! Not to mention, Deadshot for having failed to take the shot caused Amanda Waller to waste a 2nd chopper taking her down! So Yes, Deadshot, you almost pulled it off and you're sharing a drink with the chick who basically left you guys high and dry, screwed up your chances of this being over easy and YOU failed to take her out WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!! MORON!

1:36:57 SHUT UP YOU, CRACK WHORE! SHUT UP!!

1:37:19 THANK YOU, CAPTAIN!! THANK YOU!!

1:37:46 Was that supposed to be funny? Geez...

1:39:53 Was that supposed to be inspirational... Also, what reason other than plot convenience is there for Flagg having those letters from Deadshot's daughter? Were they in that folder? Did he just happen to be carrying them as a reward? What logical reason is there for him to have those letters? Why am I noticing this?! The fact that I noticed that killed whatever "Umph!" this scene was supposed to have because WHERE DID FLAGG GET THE LETTERS AND WHY DOES HE HAVE THEM?!!

1:40:14 SHUT UP, YOU WHORE!!!

1:42:32 SHUT UP, YOU WHORE!!!!

1:43:48 Did this mofo just say "UFOs...a lot of believers, no proof."? I understand he was making comparison that real love is just like UFOs but...dude...didn't Earth just suffer a MASSIVE ALIEN INVASION WHICH IS THE REASON WHY THIS TEAM WAS ASSEMBLED IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! AND WHY IS DEADSHOT NODDING ALONG AS IF THAT WHOLE INVASION THING DIDN'T HAPPEN!!! WHY AM I NOTICING THIS?!! It's totally taking me out of the meaning of this scene because I'm aware of the writing. This writing is a lot of "Looks Good on paper, but in practice...". UGH!

1:44:44 SHUT THE F*CK UP, YOU STUPID WHORE!!! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!

1:46:37 I wish this movie was just a bad dream...

1:49:09 Why are you using bullets? You just saw this thing get burned and he didn't have a scratch on him...stop.

1:49:35 WHAT THE F*CK?!!

1:50:37 WHY DO YOU CARE YOU STUPID COKED UP SLUT YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE THESE GOONS HIGH AND DRY!!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!!!

1:53:33 Exactly, because a coked up slut with a baseball bat is USELESS AGAINST AN ANCIENT F*CKIN' SORCERER!! WOW!!

1:54:36 I know this is a ploy because I read the spoilers but still, SHUT UP YOU, SLUT BAG!

1:57:52 "Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.2" did it better and that movie isn't even out yet...

2:00:33 SHUT THE F*CK UP, WHORE!!!

2:00:34 Killer Croc wants BET...


2:02:19 And cue "Bohemian Rhapsody", Queen, I'm so sorry you had to be in this awful movie...

2:03:15 This Bitch actually got an espresso machine...


2:03:59 ...and then The Joker shows up...

2:07:37 IT'S OVER!!! IT'S FINALLY OVER!!! SWEET CHRISTMAS IT'S OVER!! Okay, I'm gonna go play some "Dragonball Xenoverse"! BYE!

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